How Hannah Berner Is Finding Authenticity And Laughs Without Reality TV

Doing actuality tv began as an attractive alternative for Hannah Berner, who was on Bravo’s Summer time Home for 3 seasons. She went into it realizing that actuality reveals tended to pit girls towards one another, or put them into roles just like the “sizzling one” or “the villain.” She needed to attempt to present a extra multidimensional model of herself, one the place she was susceptible, and, for instance, each foolish and insecure. One who had her personal psychological well being historical past, and thankfully, she says, for the primary two seasons, she was capable of pull it off.

Then, the pandemic got here, and so did her third season.

In it, she explains, she was in a foul place, full of tension and despair, one thing she had suffered from since she was an adolescent taking part in internationally ranked tennis. At the moment, if she was struggling to hit a serve due to the “Yips,” much like what Simone Biles skilled, she was advised she was a “psychological case” and wanted to simply work tougher. That, she says, prompted her to internalize loads of her feelings, and simply push herself to win.

She was additionally lacking her household, and was and not using a man she had met and cherished (and is now engaged to). Hannah explains, “I used to be scared about sure conditions and the way they have been going to be proven. It was only a completely different expertise.” 

She additionally had heard from different folks on actuality reveals that followers turned shortly and even when they mentioned they “cherished you” they don’t really know you. What they really cherished was the story the present was telling about you. The story, like her feelings, she couldn’t management. 

In reality, Hannah was frightened what folks, particularly these on social media, would take into consideration her when the present was minimize and aired with leisure in thoughts. She knew that when folks sometimes see girls displaying feelings, like having a panic assault on tv, they’re labeled “loopy” as an alternative of people who’re struggling. She emphasizes, “Simply because somebody’s on T.V. folks assume like you may have your shit collectively, when lots of people go on T.V. as a result of we’d like exterior validation greater than anybody.”

6 months later, the present aired and her worst predictions got here true. She felt it oversimplified conflicts into arguments the place one individual was a villain and the opposite was a hero. To Hannah, issues have been all the time extra advanced than that. Psychological well being was additionally not mentioned, regardless of what she now totally understands was her brazenly struggling.

She says, “My largest worry was to be on a T.V. present and have folks see me in a lens that wasn’t genuine to me or did not perceive me. They are saying nervousness comes from you not being aligned along with your genuine self. So, despite the fact that I went on to attempt to present my genuine self and all of the highs and lows and the imperfections and the way I make errors, it type of became me struggling actually unhealthy from nervousness and despair.” In different phrases, actuality tv worsened her longstanding psychological well being situations by making her right into a caricature of herself. Seeing who she was portrayed to be and who folks now thought she was, prompted her extra nervousness. 

Her signs have been solely magnified by the web bullying and trolling that resulted as every episode aired, one thing she feels occurred as a result of folks overlook folks on tv are human. She notes, “I feel it is essential for folks to know, I simply occur to love to speak quite a bit, and I need to be an entertainer, however [that] doesn’t suggest that I haven’t got emotions or have struggles with my very own psychological well being.” 

Consequently, when somebody says they don’t like her, it actually impacts her. Identical to any of us, the damaging feedback all the time replay in her head rather more than the constructive ones. Even she was shocked by how a lot. She explains, “The factor with actuality T.V. is it is all about occurring social media and listening to everybody’s opinions, which is enjoyable and stuff, however to have somebody remark in your Instagram picture and say one thing like, “You are the worst” after which have like 800 folks prefer it is not. It is a fucked up feeling. And, then that is when you must be like, you are entertaining folks on a present. And there is engagement and other people have opinions, however simply because somebody’s hating you on-line doesn’t suggest you must hate your self.”

To guard herself from panic assaults brought on by Instagram, she has needed to put up boundaries round utilizing it, as a lot as potential. After all, that is exhausting as a result of she, like many in leisure, additionally wants to make use of it for her job. She tries to step away from the display screen, the likes and posts and engagement, and focus as an alternative on her self care, her sleep, how a lot water she is consuming, and her remedy. 

Since leaving the present, Hannah has observed an enchancment in her psychological well being and she or he has been slowly discovering her approach again to her truest self once more by laughter and stand-up comedy. This model of herself, she says, “Is just not the [version of] Hannah on actuality T.V., [but is] the Hannah that my brother is aware of, and my mother is aware of, and my fiancé is aware of, and my cat is aware of.”

Her recentering solely reaffirmed her dedication to her podcast, Berning in Hell, the place she talks by deep experiences with folks from all walks of life to know their very own anxieties and even assist inform her personal psychological well being. De-stigmatizing bigger psychological health-related subjects is one thing Hannah is extraordinarily captivated with, and her aim along with her podcast is to constantly provide each a platform and a protected area every week for visitors and listeners to debate deeper struggles that may really feel isolating to many, however are extra frequent than we expect. Venturing exterior Bravo allowed her to indicate folks extra than simply the edited components of herself, and as an alternative the genuine, uncooked ones. With over 8 million listens, clearly it has resonated.

Hannah provides that she additionally has extra management over what folks see doing her Instagram lives or stand-up routines. She says, “I’ve type of left the drama world and gone to the world of extra like if they do not like me as a result of they do not like my humorousness, that is completely cool, however at the least I used to be being me and at the least I used to be attempting to precise myself in a inventive approach that is expressing my ideas and my emotions, , I am not studying anybody else’s script and it is based mostly on my experiences in life.”

Getting again to her comedic roots and carving out a brand new profession path has helped her get off the bed within the morning. She explains, “Happiness is simply waking up within the morning and never having a panic assault, or waking up within the morning and feeling aligned with who you need to be and what you are placing into the world. So for me it has been much less like chasing these large highs and attempting to skip these large lows however looking for that contentedness once more.”  Comedy, she highlights, helps her cope, and is simply general extra actual, as a result of the humorous is commonly discovered within the fact of issues. 

Although her psychological well being journey is a continuing work in progress, she hopes in time, others who discover themselves in related conditions, or see themselves in her story, will really feel much less alone. They may have a look at her and say, “Hannah was depressed and she or he received off the bed.” And, that may make all of her struggles price it.