The Last Time I Saw My Son, Alex
The final time I noticed my son, Alex, was when he and his girlfriend, Sarah, got here to an artwork present reception that was crucial to me. Alex, who had struggled with drug habit and despair for a few years, gave the impression to be getting into a optimistic interval. He was the image of well being, smiling and giving me a heat hug and saying “I really like you” earlier than he walked out of the gallery. Little did I do know it could be the final time I might see this lovely, clever, loving younger man alive.
The following afternoon, Sarah texted me: “I don’t wish to fear you, however I haven’t heard from Alex since round 6:30 final evening.” My intestine advised me that one thing was very mistaken. Finally, I persuaded the weekend workers of the property administration firm to go by Alex’s residence to see if his automotive was there. They known as again to inform me that sure, his automotive was within the car parking zone. That they had knocked on the door, however he didn’t reply. It was then that I knew Alex was useless.
After I known as the police, it was an agonizing wait of a number of extra hours till the coroner known as to inform me that the police broke down the door and located Alex. There was no apparent trigger, however he had probably died the night earlier than.
From that day ahead, I lived as if Thich Nhat Hanh (known as Thay by his followers) was holding my hand, serving to me to recollect to be current with my breath. My mindfulness apply was now not a mere mental and informal curiosity; it was a life-saving parachute as I fell into the abyss of despair.
The worst day was going to the funeral house with Alex’s father. I used the apply of Pebble Meditation to calm my racing coronary heart earlier than going inside to view my pricey son’s physique. On this meditation, I held 4 pebbles in my hand. I centered on one after the other to signify the freshness of a flower, the solidity of a mountain, the fact of a transparent lake, and the spaciousness of open area. Doing this, my coronary heart fee went from the mid 120s all the way down to the 70s. It was sufficient to permit me to proceed with essentially the most tough responsibility of my life.
Individuals say issues like, “I might by no means survive the lack of my little one” or ask me, “How did you get by it?” These are issues that after ran by my very own thoughts. The reply is tough for me to articulate. Each particular moments of apply and perception in addition to the gestalt of the teachings have been my parachute.
Understanding interbeing has helped me tremendously. I used to be impressed by the information that my son didn’t simply disappear; as Thay factors out, science proves that nothing is misplaced. Just like the flame on the tip of a match, although it’s now not seen after we blow it out, the weather of that flame are nonetheless there. And so is Alex.
The Lesson of the Second Arrow helped me to acknowledge that the first ache I felt from Alex’s demise needn’t be amplified. Including a narrative of guilt and anger, which the Buddha refers to as a second arrow we hearth upon ourselves, solely deepens a wound I have already got. I discovered to name my struggling by its true title — grief — and to care for it with love, understanding, and compassion. I discovered that pleasure and grief are two sides of the identical coin; it’s okay to be comfortable whereas additionally grieving for my son.
I appreciated Thay’s honesty when he wrote about grieving the demise of his mom for a complete yr. Thay additionally described a dream of being along with his mom when she was younger and wholesome. When he awoke and walked within the moonlight, he felt his mom’s presence and realized she was very a lot alive in him and round him. This story allowed me to see the identical fact about Alex.
Creator Bio
Teresa L. Waller based the Flowing River Neighborhood of Aware Dwelling in Madison, Indiana. Her dharma title is Therapeutic Presence of the Coronary heart, which she obtained a yr after her son, Alex, died. Teresa’s dharma title completely captures the therapeutic she skilled by the presence of neighborhood.
Teresa Waller’s story is excerpted from the e book, Tears Become Rain: Stories of Healing and Transformation Inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh, (Parallax Press, Oct. 10, 2023), edited by Jeanine Cogan and Mary Hillebrand. Jeanine Cogan, Ph.D., is a mindfulness meditation instructor and govt guide. Mary Hillebrand is a former journal editor and author, and is now a instructor who enjoys sharing mindfulness with youngsters and adults in therapeutic settings. Study extra at www.tearsbecomerain.org.
